Whale of a Tale Productions

A Post Production Company
INDY-JK--7494

Star Trek Beyond by Justin Lin, 2016

I am a huge Trekkie (never liked the term Trekker), and I love the original series, the features, the next generation and deep space 9, and to a lesser degree voyager and enterprise, but have never like the JJ or now called Kelvinverse. Sure the first film was novel, and the cast seemed great, but the fact that it didn’t pay attention to any star trek history, and just made the cerebral series into an action film had me worried. Then came Into Darnkess, an awful retread of the great Star Trek 2 The Wrath of Khan, which was not only a pale imitation with bad casting (I love Benedict Cumberbatch, but playing Khan as played by Ricardo Montalban is so insulting), but had such a bad plot that it introduced elements that ruined Star Trek. Like a duffel sized transporter that can transport you to your enemies homeworld, which would negate the need for Starships, but also magic blood that can reverse death! And this film, which was to finally get the going into the unknow on the Enterprise’s 5 year mission to boldy go where no man has gone before, makes it all seem boring to the characters, neglects Uhura, Sulu and Checkov (by the now late Anton Yelchin), falls back to old tropes on blowing up the Enterprise, the reveal of the villain (what a waste of Idris Elba) and even ship design with the most important part of a Starbase so hard to get to and working so badly, it reminds me of the Chompers from Galaxy Quest! Sure there are some good moments, and the spacebattle stuff looks great thanks to Justin Lin’s experience with action, and the new Character Jaylah (Sofia Boutella) is fun, but just too great at everything, from fighting and shooting to creating cloacking devices and holoprojects and motorcylces that can leave solid amber to capture enemies out of it’s exhaust, and even fix whole starships mostly by herself! Really a bit too much Rey from the Force Awakens for my taste. And then their is the defeat of the enemy fleet in the stupidest way of all time, with a lame throwback to the first reboot! Really? I mean could it be more dumb. Sure the film is better than Into Darkness, but at this point it is really too bad they green lit a fourth film as I just want the JJverse to go away!

The film starts 3 years into it’s five year mission, with Kirk (Chris Pine) helping deliver a piece of an ancient weapon as a peace envoy, but he badly screws up, and it turns into a comedy sketch as the aliens turn out to be tiny and attack him. He beams back to the ship and has Spock (Zachary Quinto) store the piece of weapon. Kirk is burnt out, and bored of his mission and has applied to Starfleet to be Vice Admiral (something the original Kirk never wanted, but just accepted when he was promoted). They take the ship to Starbase Yorktown, slarfleets biggest and most advanced starbase for a refuel and sone r and r (the ridiculous glass enclosed starbase looks like a ridiculous Christmas ornament, seems ridiculously designed with different parts literally pointing in every direction, and later is shown to have sone serious design flaws). Sulu (John Cho) meets up with his husband and daughter. We learn Spock has broken up with Uhura (Zoe Saldana) and he learns from Vulcan’s that Ambassador Spock has died and is given a package of his things including his photos with his old crew. An escape pod comes out of a nearby uncharted nebula with a lone survivor named Kalara (Lydia Wilson but voiced by Sara Maria Forsberg). She tells them that he ship crashed and needs a rescue, and Commodore Paris (Shohreh Asdashloo) sends the Enterprise.

REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS…
The Enterprise enters the Nebula and comes up on a planet, but is quickly attacked by a swarm of ships. There are too many ships for the Enterprise weapons to deal with and the weapons have little to no effect, and the shield do nothing. The ships cut off the warp nacelles, and severely damage the ship. The enemy Leader Krall (Idris Elba) boards the ship and begins looking for the weapon part from the film open. Spock and McCoy (Karl Urban) battle the aliens and end up in one of the Alien Ships crashing toward the planet. Kirk heads down and gets the relic, hiding it soneplace, then Krall has his ships break the neck of the ship and the impulse engine can’t get power till the saucer disconects. Uhura heads to help and manages to release the saucer leaving her in the neck with Krall. As the crew abandons ship, the enemies capture them. The bridge crew all go to the Kelvinpods (which seem to be made for each of them with an automatic change of clothes and weapons, though no working tricorders. How many of them are there, one for each Bridge crew member and shift member on the bridge alone? And you to go to your station to get to yours or escape in a photon torpedo like Scotty does? Right.) and escape as the Enterprise dish crashes into the planet.

Kirk and Chekov meet up and search for their crew, so woth Kalara head to the saucer section to contact the crew and retrieve the weapon part. Kalara betrays them, as she had done the whole time, but Kirk hasn’t hidden the weapon there, and manages to kill her and Krall’s men he calls in, by flipping the saucer section, but then fall into a trap.

McCoy and Spock crash and Spock is hurt, and McCoy does what they can. They end up finding a temple with writing matching the weapon, realizing this was it’s home planet, and telling McCoy that he left Uhura because he was going to leave Starfleet and go have kids to help Vulcans survive.
Scotty lands in his torpedo, but it falls from a cliff, as he almost does. Going to find the torpedo and his communicator, Scotty is attacked, but is saved by the alien Jaylah (Sofia Boutella), a former prisoner of Krall, whose parents were killed. She agrees to help Scotty find his crew if he helps her fix her home, a crashed Federation starship, the Franklin, a 100 year old ship, that Jaylah has creating holographic cloaking projectors to hide. Scotty starts fixing the ship, and making the old transporters work for humans.
Krall meanwhile has locked up Sulu and the crew, and is usuing them to absorb their lifeforce, and live longer, and making himself look more human. Uhura and Sulu escape, and find that Krall has strung together Federation technology together and compketely broken into Starbase Yorktown’s computers and knows everything about Starfleet, they try to send a message, but it is intercepted and they are captured. Krall threatens the crew and one of them had the weapon part hidden in the alien hands in her head. He combines the 2 weapons parts, and it releases a bioweapon that kills all life, and kills the women who had the weapon in her head. He plans to kill everyone on the Yorktown.

The trap that Kirk and Chekov fell into was Jaylah’s, and they beam up the only Vulcan, as well as McCoy. And they use a necklace Spock gave Uhura to find the location of the crew. Kirk takes Jaylah’s motorcycle and holoprojects to create a distraction, so that Spock and Jaylah can rescue the crew, que ridiculous action sequence, but the crew is saved.

Krall and his people leave to destroy the Yorktown, as the crew follows in the Franklin. They look at old logs and realize that Krall was in fact the Captain of the Franklin, formerly a pre-Federation soldier who thinks that Federation unity has wimpified the Federation and wants to make them hard again. So another long standing trope of a Starfleet Captain gone nuts, really? And he just found the swarm ships, which were mining ships, but are that bad ass. And all the guns and armor too? And yet he stills needs some ancient bioweapon? How about just one bad ass weapon? And what about all his followers. If ge had only 2 other surviving crew members, why did all the ships he crashed have people join him, and the armor just fit? WTF!

As Krall attacks the Yorktown, they beam McCoy and Spock into one of Kralls swarm ships, and they realize that they can distrupt the computer and destroy the ships. So they set up Jaylah’s stereo into the Franklin and blast the Beastie Boys Sabotage and destroy the fleat, except Krall and his Spock and McCoy. REALLY???????? This is the single dumbest way to defeat an enemy ever! WTF! FUCK!

Krall then crashes through the Yorktown, as does the Franklin, and Spock and McCoy. Kirk rams the Franklin into Kralls ship, and calls Starfleet security to stop Krall from escaping, but no one bothers and Krall heads for a glass room in the center of the starbase that controls air distribution, but is next to impossible to get to. And gravity is weird around it, and the 2 fly around to get there. Kirk goes after Krall, and they battle, with Kirk getting the uperhand, but Krall activating the bioweapon. Kirk has to float around it, pulling 4 levers, though one is broken (so an impossible to get to room, with broken controls, but this is the most high tech starbase, again WTF), but he manages to flip it, and force Krall and the weapon out into space, and Kirk is saved by Spock and McCoy.

Kirk turns down the Vice Admirals position, and Spock hooks back up with Uhura and stays in Starfleet and they celebrate Kirks birthday as NCC 1701-A is quickly built.
******

MEH! I am not a fan of the Kelvinverse, and while better than Into the Darkness, to me this is still not Star Trek. It is not smart, even with a changed tineline nothing matches the old tech, and they are just silly action films with more plot holes than transformers films. And killing an unstoppable Alien fleet with Sabotage? So fucking stupid! And if Kirk really thought the normal stuff was so boring, but Losing his ship and battleing unstopable foes makes him stay, maybe he is just like Krall and is unfit for command. And didn’t Spock already have his moment of doubt in the earlier films? This is nothing new. And McCoy piloting Alien spaceships? And Jahleh making holo projectors and cloaking projectors, and smoke that turns into amber. She is just way too good.

For me still just not Star Trek.

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