I would call myself a Woody Allen fan. I love most of the films he made in at least the first half of his career, and I thought Match Point was a return to form, but his films since then have been mostly misses, and this is another one. Of course I am also not much of a Larry David fan, so that does not help, but it is the script that really does not work for me. This was a script Allen had written in the 1970′s for actor Zero Mostel, but had shelved it when he died in 1977. Allen updated it for modern times when there was an upcoming Screen Actor’s Guild strike looking, so he could get a film made. And maybe this film would have worked in the 1970′s, but now it just seems stale and not all shocking, mostly just bland, without even much in the way of laughs. This is one to skip.

Boris Ylnikoff (Larry David) who loves to break the 4th wall and talk to the audience is a crotchety old man, formerly a married professor, but now a man who teaches chess for a living and lives to rant and rave about politics. And he has a permanent limp from when he woke up a few years back with a panic attack and jumped out the window and survived. He then divorced his wife (Carolyn McCormick) and left his job, and lives the life of a shut in, complaining that everyone else is not as smart as him. One night when he comes home there is a young girl sleeping on his door step. He reluctantly lets Melody (the girl played by Evan Rachel Wood) in for a meal. In short steps he has heard her story about running away from her heavily Christian family in Mississippi and not knowing anyone, and amazingly is letter her stay there, first for a night, and then for longer. His friends (Adam Brooks, Michael McKean and Lyle Kanouse) are all blown away, and wonder when he will get rid of her. Boris and Melodie travel the city together with him imparting his wisdom, or cynicism to her, and Melodie begins to love Boris, and starts to adopt some of his views. She starts working walking dogs and makes a date with a boy, but after so much time with Boris, she finds him boring and stupid. She admits to Boris that she loves him, and they get married!

REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS…

Melodie’s mother Marietta (Patricia Clarkson) snows up, having left her husband John (Ed Begley Jr.) after he cheated on her and lost everything in the stock market. Marietta instantly hates Boris, but they go around the city together, while Marietta tries to get melodie to divorce her husband.

Marietta meets a cute English boy named Randy James (Henry Cavill) who is attracted to Melodie, and Marietta decides to get them together.

Marietta meets Boris’s friend Leo (Conleth Hill) and they go out. He sees her photography and loves it, and he makes plans for her to have an art show. The two get drunk and have sex, and Marietta loves it for the first time in her life! Boris tells us that Marietta became a professional photography, and started living in a ménage a trois with Leo and his friend Morgenstern (Olek Krupa)

Marietta takes Melonie out shopping and they “accidentally” run into Randy who asks her help in buying something, and gives it to her. And again he runs into her in a woman’s clothing store, and she admits her marriage is not perfect. The two go onto the boat where he lives and start kissing and have sex.

The next day at Marietta’s gallery showing Melodie acts strangely because of the affair, and when they arrive home, her father, John arrives looking for Marietta. It seems his affair ended and h wants his wife back. When John finds out what she has become, seeing her artwork, he goes to a bar and drinks.

At the bar John meets Howard (Christopher Evan Welch) a recently divorced gay man. The two start chatting, and John comes to realize he is gay.

Melodie finally admits the affair to Boris, who is disheartened, but seemed to know this would come. Boris jumps out of his window again, but lands on Helena (Jessica Hecht), breaking ehr legs.

Boris visits Helena in the hospital, and she asks him to take her out to dinner when she gets out.

The film ends with a New Year’s Eve party at Boris’s place. Marietta is with her two men, John is with Howard, Melodie with Randy and Boris with Helena.

Boris turns to the audience and says to do what they can to find enjoyment, because you can have whatever works.

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Maybe this would have worked better in the 1970′s, but I am not sure. Maybe it would have been wackier? I don’t know. It just falls totally flat for me.